apthered

heres one
a man is walking in a new york park and sees a pitbull about to attack a little girl, he gets his pistol which he was carrying and shoots the dog.
a reporter who watched the whole scene goes and publishes the story in the next days paper, the headline reads BRAVE NEW YORKER SAVES LITTLE GIRL
the man goes to the newspaper office immediately and tells them that he isnt a new yorker and leaves
in the afternoon edition, the headline reads HEROIC AMERICAN SAVES SMALL GIRL
again, the man goes to the newspaper office and complains that eh isnt american; annoyed, the editor asks him what he is
the man replies 'Iraqi'
though surprised, the editor assures the man that the headline will be changed in the evening edition
the man gets the evening edition after work and the headline reads
IRAQI TERRORIST MURDERS PATRIOTIC AMERICAN DOG

liveru

Here's a few lame ones,

Three couples (newlyweds, middle-aged and elderly couples) are planning on joining a church.
The vicar says that in order for them to be accepted into the church community, each couple must refrain from having sex for two weeks.
So, two weeks later, the three couples make their return to the church. The vicar asks the elderly couple if they refrained from having sex for two weeks, to which the husband stated it was easy. The vicar welcomed the elderly couple into the church.
The vicar then asked the middle-aged couple the same question. The husband replied, "It was tough, I had to sleep on the couch but we perservered." The vicar then welcomed them into the church as he did with the elderly couple.
He then turned to the newlyweds.
"Did you refrain from having sexual intercourse for the two weeks?" The vicar asked.
"I'm afraid we didn't." The husband replied. "One day she bent over to pick up a tin of paint and I couldn't help myself. I had to have her there and then."
The vicar turned away from the couple and said, "you do realise that you're not welcome in our church."
The husband replied, "yeah and we're not welcome in Homebase anymore neither!"


Three suicidal women jumped off a building within weeks of each other.
The first suicidal woman jumped from the 3rd floor window. It took a week to wipe her off the tarmac.
The second suicidal woman jumped from the 5th floor window. It took two weeks to wipe her off the tarmac.
The third and final suicidal woman jumped from the 7th floor window but landed on a flag pole on the way down. It took three weeks to wipe the smile off of her face.


A bloke was waiting in a train station when it occured to him he needed a dump. He tried to rush to the nearest toilets but failed to get there in time and as a result he soiled his trousers. In a panic he rushed to the nearest men's clothes shop and bought a pair of trousers. Luckily for him, the train had arrived so he ran into the train's toilets and took off his dirty trousers, cleaned up and then threw the soiled item of clothing out of the window. Then he went to grab the new pair of trousers he'd just bought, but to his horror when he opened the bag, he realised he'd bought a jacket instead!


A couple of sensitive ones,
When's the only time you wink at a Taliban soldier? When you're aiming at him.

What do you do when a Taliban soldier runs at you with half a head? Reload.

Before you die, you see the Tails Doll!


May God have mercy on your soul -- because the Tails Doll is coming to claim it.

Ru's Football Manager 2009 Career - 2013/14: Albion Rovers.
Ru's Guide Portfolio.
Ru's Graphics Portfolio.
Sticker Facepacks.

leachy-boi91

haha class jokes...

bigdunc92

what did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend.





A. wiped his bum

T.H

Okay so a guy is near the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!!!!

Hartynips

I dont get it TH why would you makes sandwiches in bed anyway...You'd get crumbs in the sheets and...anyway.

A blind man on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mate. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

T.H

Lmfao thats good, the whole point of mine was that they were trying to disguise the fact they were having sex. The little boy was young and didnt understand, therefore he thought they were making sandwiches!

Understand now?

Hartynips

yes mate im not 13